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today [Sep. 30th, 2008|08:24 pm]
today was great. im going to the gym in a bit but need to recap my intake.

1 sf non-fat yogurt 60c
1 apple
1 sf jello 60c
ff milk 90c
english muffin
salad: tomatoes, lettuce, olives (2), salsa, 2 tbsp cheese
chips *AH* and salsa crutch.. i miss being home
soy chicken patty

it sounds like so much. my goal is a little less everyday moving twice as much than i did the day before.
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the secret life of bees.... [Jan. 16th, 2007|11:47 am]
im reading this book and i couldnt get past this beginning of a chapter... It said,
"Have you ever written a letter that you knew you could never mail but you needed to write it anyway?"

i guess this is one of those ways of getting those "letters" out of my thoughts. I dont have proof that this has any real effect other than catharsis but at the same time there is nothing to disprove its effects on the soul either.
my heart has been breaking not because i havent achieved whatever weight ive been striving for or whatever image that i desire to create for myself, but rather in the basic need for such a sick desire. to fulfill this horrific deterioration of my body, my being, the only thing God has entrusted me with... that is what has been on my mind lately.
why am i so obsessed with this... why does the thought of only skin on my bones elate me... why does the thought of fat under my skin make my head dizzy and my heart beat uncontrollably?

i may not be perfect and i may try my hardest to be normal, but it seems that my life, my thoughts, my desires always come back to this secret wish for my two number weight to come back to me. when it rises up in my days i feel as though ive got some dark mark across my face that announces to everyone that i am twisted, my envy of stick thin girls is sick, my counting calories is my greatest concern and my workouts determine my worth for the day....

who is this person that thinks these things... is it really me or is there something inside of me that is screaming to come loose. i cant keep it in and its getting harder to hide those desires and that passion i have to quit pretending that im ok with how my life is. i feel as though ill burst and everything will spill over into every area of my life and no one will want to come close to me. no one will want to understand. no one will want to be there when i need to pick myself up again. i feel like my time is running out and im ticking inside like a timebomb ready to explode wreaking everything that ive worked so hard to conceal...

what is happening to me... whats next? the answers frighten me... this feeling repulses me...
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i have a plan [Dec. 7th, 2006|11:47 am]
i will reach my goal by february 2 if i stick with it. im nervous because i plan things alot to make myself feel better but this time it feels different. i think its going to work. im not too worried about weight this time. i know what i need to lose to get to the BMI i want. i was taking this class and we did this whole body composition thing and i came to realize that my lean muscle mass is great and my fat percentage is ... well WAY to high, but my BMI disgusted me. i want it back to where it was the last time i checked it.

plus, ive had MANY comments about my weight lately. my brother always says im too small, my family does too, but then my brothers friends tell me i need to workout more to lose weight, and my boyfriends brother in law told me the other day that i needed to lose some weight because there wasnt enough room on the bench we were sitting on. he is like the size of my arm so i guess he has the right to judge... im fat i know, duly noted.. moving on

im going to succeed this time. there is no reason not to. i figured out that the reason so many models and big entertainment figures are able to get so small is because their lives are so busy and focused on what they look like. i dont want to be so focused on what i look like, but rather the busy part. i have A LOT of things i want to do and need to accomplish and i really shouldnt waste time sitting around!

so, back to the goal.... im doing it. its already in the works and i am down 4 lbs since. im losing some muscle but weight is weight.... and i cant think of it as fat, water, muscle... whatever it is its making me too heavy. its good to see that number going down again. ah such a relief.
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today [Oct. 25th, 2006|10:01 am]
so today im skipping my class to come to the library. lame i know but i feel like ive earned a day... not really im just not too keen on seeing him there again.
so im doing better. i took yesterday to kind of clean out my system. i didnt eat anything until 11:00 and that was just because i was going grocery shopping, very dangerous on an empty stomach. i dont have a camera and i think that is good because i think that just adds to stress. so im keeping a log of my food intake for this class im taking and i thought about lying and making up a whole bunch of stuff, or leaving out when i eat too much, but ive decided that im just going to be honest. its not like she cares what i do or dont eat. if i were underweight she might get concerned but as far as she knows im just an average girl who has odd eating habits.
my theory has always been that its not a problem until someone notices. no one notices when its me... at least not yet. i dont think its a problem. its really mental right now, my weight is dropping but nothing awful or major. in the past month ive gone from 120 to 111... not bad..
im trying to focus on eating only healthy things when i do actually eat and eating one thing. like an apple, or a roll. or a carrot. when i eat more than one thing, things start to get messy...
thats all for today... see you next time <30~
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geez [Oct. 24th, 2006|11:24 am]
[mood |blankblank]

im having the hardest time with working out. it seems like im eating twice as much when i work out and i cant stand it.... i know my body is starving for something of value but i cant seem to read the signs like what it is exactly that it absolutely needs and ill give it just that and no more but how do you know whats the right thing to do?
somedays i want to just quit working out and then i wouldnt have to eat... at all and it would be so easy, but it wouldnt work for me. id gain weight instead of losing it.. i just know it...
i hate thinking.. overthinking.
its simple right, dont eat and work out... yeah.. simple
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had to happen... [Jul. 4th, 2006|09:39 am]
[mood |bitchybitchy]

never before has my opinion of myself gotten in the way of mine and my boyfriends relationship. he bugged me about eating but i havent been significantly underweight since weve been dating so there is no real reason for him to worry or make a big deal about it. well i have been having an extra difficult time with my body image here lately and apparently been voicing it more than i used to and lastnight we kind of had it out about it all. i told him that i love him for always being so wonderful and clueless as to how difficult it is to deal with all this inside my head but that ive had this problem for a really long time and he just kind of got thrown into the mix. ive been trying REALLY hard to be ok with who i am and what i look like for him because i KNOW how annoying it is to listen to girls talk about their weight all the time especially when you know its all about vanity for them. and ive done really well eating with him some nights and i quit making up lame excuses for not going to dinner with his family but its killing me and ive gained weight and im depressed, hate myself EVERY MORNING when i wake up and am moody and i treat EVERYONE horribly because im the farthest from happy with myself. it wouldnt be so bad i dont guess if i could talk myself down from freaking out when the scale is three digits and has been for a while now but i cant anymore. i want my 98 back. thats it. thats all i want. 98....
it seems so far away. i have to just accept that i need more control with food than other people do. i just have to accept it and learn to deal with it so i quit putting the people i love through so much. if i can deal with it then they dont even have to know what is going on. AHHHH i hate this.. i hate it i hate it. im so stressed out my stomach hurts and i have to go BACK to the hospital in an hour. sucks.....
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recovery never happens [Jun. 26th, 2006|04:16 pm]
i dont think it ever happens.
i eat normally and i get fat
i feel fat when im still below my "normal" weight
i get depressed even though i dont want to be obsessed with my weight anymore
im always planning to get back down to 95
i cant quit eating because i know if i do it will start all over again and i will have lost this much of my trying to get better.
i dont want to get fat
i dont want to wake up feeling worthless because i hate my weight
i want to give in again
im going to just let it have me, its always there even when im "normal"
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oh love [Apr. 11th, 2006|10:42 am]
still at 113ish... im living alone but seem to find it easier to justify buying food. it seems more tempting when its not already in my house. im going to give some of it away to this homeless man down the street. im riding my bike more than anything these days. im pretty bummed about actual working out. i just cant seem to stay motivated, or have the energy. im taking ephedra (as of the past 3 days) and it makes my veins pop out and i get super hot. i know its bad. i dont need it but i guess thats a part of my addiction. i really want to be 100 by the 28th. i can do it, its just... im scared about what comes after that. so. i dont have the internet anymore so this will be the last post for a while. im working out today, hopefully ill get the nerve to go to the gym and run or something on a machine. i think that would be better than just doing at home stuff. people look at me funny when i out stay them on something though. i could do that stuff for hours and they come and go and i feel weird.
i came to the realization that my body doesnt know i have a disorder, i dont get my period but im not super skinny. but my head screams intense phobia of gaining weight, your exercise habits are abnormal, you are obsessed with your weight, you eat uncontrollably after skipping days of eating, you lose sleep over your weight, you panic when your clothes look different, you calculate every calorie youve taken in for the day....
my disease is in my head and it wont leave me alone
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fat [Mar. 14th, 2006|11:05 pm]
so im freezing, i havent been warm in three days. i think im finally realizing just how stupid some of the people in these communities are. when i look at my day and how its different from theirs i wonder whats wrong, is it me? or are they just trying too hard. i guess im just slightly bitter. i dont enjoy that i stare at the contents of my fridge and cant make myself eat any of it. i dont thrive on the fact that i totally avoided all my friends today so i could stay home and hide because i feel ugly. i guess im just not your kind of disordered youth...
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(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2006|12:45 pm]
so im sitting in church this morning and i find this verse in 2 timpthy about what kind of people God turns away from and i started to wonder if God turns away from me... I cant control this disease, i cant help it.. but at the same time im being ungratfeul for what he has given me body wise and im being self obsessed in my self loathing and i just cant help but feel like im being condemned for something i have no control over. do you think God has mercy for us? do you think he casts us out just because we are unable to love what He has "blessed"us with? i feel so dirty, i feel so ugly and horrible right now. y heart wwas breaking in the middle of the service and i had to leave. my dad preaches and i cant very well ask him... am i really arrogant? am i really that horrible of a person that God would find in necessary to put me in the bible as "one of those" people? does anyone else worry about this? ive never really felt like my disorder has gotten in the way of my relationship with God but maybe its keeping me from it completely? i feel so... lost and gross.
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