||[Apr. 11th, 2006|10:42 am]
still at 113ish... im living alone but seem to find it easier to justify buying food. it seems more tempting when its not already in my house. im going to give some of it away to this homeless man down the street. im riding my bike more than anything these days. im pretty bummed about actual working out. i just cant seem to stay motivated, or have the energy. im taking ephedra (as of the past 3 days) and it makes my veins pop out and i get super hot. i know its bad. i dont need it but i guess thats a part of my addiction. i really want to be 100 by the 28th. i can do it, its just... im scared about what comes after that. so. i dont have the internet anymore so this will be the last post for a while. im working out today, hopefully ill get the nerve to go to the gym and run or something on a machine. i think that would be better than just doing at home stuff. people look at me funny when i out stay them on something though. i could do that stuff for hours and they come and go and i feel weird. |
i came to the realization that my body doesnt know i have a disorder, i dont get my period but im not super skinny. but my head screams intense phobia of gaining weight, your exercise habits are abnormal, you are obsessed with your weight, you eat uncontrollably after skipping days of eating, you lose sleep over your weight, you panic when your clothes look different, you calculate every calorie youve taken in for the day....
my disease is in my head and it wont leave me alone