|had to happen...
||[Jul. 4th, 2006|09:39 am]
never before has my opinion of myself gotten in the way of mine and my boyfriends relationship. he bugged me about eating but i havent been significantly underweight since weve been dating so there is no real reason for him to worry or make a big deal about it. well i have been having an extra difficult time with my body image here lately and apparently been voicing it more than i used to and lastnight we kind of had it out about it all. i told him that i love him for always being so wonderful and clueless as to how difficult it is to deal with all this inside my head but that ive had this problem for a really long time and he just kind of got thrown into the mix. ive been trying REALLY hard to be ok with who i am and what i look like for him because i KNOW how annoying it is to listen to girls talk about their weight all the time especially when you know its all about vanity for them. and ive done really well eating with him some nights and i quit making up lame excuses for not going to dinner with his family but its killing me and ive gained weight and im depressed, hate myself EVERY MORNING when i wake up and am moody and i treat EVERYONE horribly because im the farthest from happy with myself. it wouldnt be so bad i dont guess if i could talk myself down from freaking out when the scale is three digits and has been for a while now but i cant anymore. i want my 98 back. thats it. thats all i want. 98....
it seems so far away. i have to just accept that i need more control with food than other people do. i just have to accept it and learn to deal with it so i quit putting the people i love through so much. if i can deal with it then they dont even have to know what is going on. AHHHH i hate this.. i hate it i hate it. im so stressed out my stomach hurts and i have to go BACK to the hospital in an hour. sucks.....