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the secret life of bees.... [Jan. 16th, 2007|11:47 am]
im reading this book and i couldnt get past this beginning of a chapter... It said,
"Have you ever written a letter that you knew you could never mail but you needed to write it anyway?"

i guess this is one of those ways of getting those "letters" out of my thoughts. I dont have proof that this has any real effect other than catharsis but at the same time there is nothing to disprove its effects on the soul either.
my heart has been breaking not because i havent achieved whatever weight ive been striving for or whatever image that i desire to create for myself, but rather in the basic need for such a sick desire. to fulfill this horrific deterioration of my body, my being, the only thing God has entrusted me with... that is what has been on my mind lately.
why am i so obsessed with this... why does the thought of only skin on my bones elate me... why does the thought of fat under my skin make my head dizzy and my heart beat uncontrollably?

i may not be perfect and i may try my hardest to be normal, but it seems that my life, my thoughts, my desires always come back to this secret wish for my two number weight to come back to me. when it rises up in my days i feel as though ive got some dark mark across my face that announces to everyone that i am twisted, my envy of stick thin girls is sick, my counting calories is my greatest concern and my workouts determine my worth for the day....

who is this person that thinks these things... is it really me or is there something inside of me that is screaming to come loose. i cant keep it in and its getting harder to hide those desires and that passion i have to quit pretending that im ok with how my life is. i feel as though ill burst and everything will spill over into every area of my life and no one will want to come close to me. no one will want to understand. no one will want to be there when i need to pick myself up again. i feel like my time is running out and im ticking inside like a timebomb ready to explode wreaking everything that ive worked so hard to conceal...

what is happening to me... whats next? the answers frighten me... this feeling repulses me...