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monday [Mar. 7th, 2006|08:08 am]
did alright yesterday as far as eating at night goes. i had two bowls of cereal, probably 1/2 cup of 2%milk with that, 1 slice of whole grain bread, and some peas.
ive been sick for about 3 weeks now. lastnight my face was whiter than its ever been. i couldnt see or walk straight. its all this extra weight im carrying around thats keeping me from getting better.. i know it. my body isnt used to this.

goal for tuesday:
sugar free fruit punch
pea salad
lots of water
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depressed [Mar. 1st, 2006|08:54 pm]
i have not felt this awful in a long time. i cant really explain it but then again i dont guess i really need to. you know how it feels to wake up in the morning and have to look at yourself. i dont understand how people dont care. i cant imagine living life eating regularly and putting on a size 7 jean and being happy. its too much. i want to be 95 pounds so badly. i want to just not eat again. how beautiful that would be. how pure and simple would life be? think of all the other things i could fill my days with, my thoughts with, my life with...
i have visions of peanut butter floating in my head right now. it wont go away. i can smell it and practically taste it. why do i crave the worst possible food? if i could i would live off that stuff. i love it more than anything and i cant eat it and it pisses me off. i could eat it, i could and then i would have to remind myself why i cant fit into my jeans in the morning. why i feel like the fatest person in the world. why there is still that roll of fat around my hips that my boyfriend has to feel UGH...
i have tests to study for and cant think straight. i have a book to read and all i want to do is lay in his arms and cry. he is wonderful. i am beyond blessed to be such a horrible person and be given someone as amazing as he.
now, if i could just be amazing for him... Im just thankful God still sees me worthy of such great things. I dont deserve it...
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(no subject) [Feb. 22nd, 2006|02:24 pm]
im down three and a half pounds. doesnt really feel like it but hey its progress. so recently posted message showed pictures of a girl who died from eating too much. how is that supposed to make me want to eat? the image of the contents of her stomach was enough to make me run away from the kitchen. if i lived by myself id put that as my screen saver and id never eat again. yuck. project big butt is underway and im really pissed that i let myself get away with it ever getting big. these damn jeans look awful. i have to lose 2 more pounds before friday. totally possible.
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big butt [Feb. 20th, 2006|01:26 pm]
so im really upset because my boyfriend whom i adore thinks i have a big butt and im pretty sure he is right. i need to really get down to business on my working out and getting back down to 200 calories a day and 3 hours of workout a day. i was so close to my goal about three months ago and lost sight of that with that whole ex boyfriend thing. im really focusing now though, i cant let him be embarassed about me... i cant and if im big then he will be. he is borderline anorexic by definition. he doesnt have an eating disorder, he is just really under weight for his height. i need to be really underweight. i will be..
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(no subject) [Feb. 16th, 2006|12:43 pm]
my life sucks. i thought things were bad when i was a little heavier than i wanted to be and now im at that point where i feel horribly ugly and hideous. every mirror seems to follow me around and flash this awful person back at me. taunting me to live a life of depression and misery. but i have every reason to be happy except how i feel about myself. he likes me now, how much more would he like me if i were back to 97 pounds. i need help. i need a friend. i need someone to push me and tell me that i can do it because i really want it. I CAN. I CAN. I CAN.
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2005|01:41 pm]
today is going to be a good day. im done with school for a while and i intend on getting my head back on straight and by that i mean bringing God back to my main focus. my life has been so screwed up lately...
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shes shrinking while im getting fat [Dec. 13th, 2005|01:17 pm]
why is everyone else getting thinner and i am getting fatter? i know why, its because i lost my willpower. i need to fast but that never works plus its pretty pointless when you gain it all back. i want to be at least 110 before jan1. i can not start the new year off with my weight. ive never been so disgusted with myself. right now my sides are all bulging over my jeans and my underwear is tight again. my thighs are decent but my butt has gotten at least 2 inches bigger. i was doing so well.
no more bread or sugar. those are where i get most of my calories from everyday. i cave and eat a ton of bread and usually stuff that has a lot of sugar in it.
no eating after 7:00 and my diet will consist of blueberries and a side salad from wendys.
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dangit [Dec. 8th, 2005|03:16 pm]
ok so update:

im hungry, its a good feeling. im glad i feel empty, but at the same time i feel like im too far gone- like im past the point where anything i do will help... seriously, do you ever feel like what good is starving now going to do me? i feel like any efforts i make will just end in defeat, but then at the same time i know i have to start somewhere right. i know that every little bit helps and the only way im defeated is if i give in and eat. if i dont eat ive won. i am mentally aware that i cant eat those peas and still feel like im where im supposed to be, but at the same time mentally i want to give into the fat and just say its going to happen eventually why not now... mentally im weak right now because i have this in the back of my head saying "be healthy and dont worry about your weight" but then EVERY other part of me is saying look at those thighs, are you kidding me? dont kid yourself and think you can eat anything and not be fat. im trying to stay on this fast today and im good so far. i ran six miles, did my lower body work out once and now im at a loss for something else to do. i want to workout again. i need to workout again and at the same time i want to sit and do nothing. i want to just be thin and not have to bust my butt every second of the day to feel accomplished. im watching americas next top model and i know for a fact they dont really sell the "stay skinny the healthy way" bit they are talking about right now. i dont want to be a model, i just want to be 100lbs... i want to not be afraid to take a shower or put on my clothes. thats what i want. why the hell is that so hard!

i studied, painted my nails, called some friends and now im going to clean up my room and maybe do some cardio. this sucks. its three freakin days, not that hard. im good. i can do this. really, what difference is it going to make if i dont eat my rice cake and 1/2cup of peas today? nothing. its not that hard. im not doing anything wrong. im just restricting myself like i should have been doing this last month when i let my mom win.
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the plan.. [Dec. 8th, 2005|12:16 pm]
starting today three weeks plan.
day 1:
fasting, i ran six miles so im going to let myself have as much hot tea as i want when i get to work and then i have a sugar free hotchocolate mix that is fat free and sugar free. its only 25 calories a packet. but thats only if i get desperate tonight. im such a horrible person. i used to be soo good at restricting and then it just seems that nothing i do anymore is enough. i have lots of studying to do today so that should keep my mind off food. plus im going back to my no television rule. only movies, if a must. television has too many commercials that send subliminal messages to make you want to buy food. its awful. no wonder america is so fat.

workout plan:
run six miles a day (no matter how cold)
lower body work out - 10 minutes
abs work out - 11 minutes
and then if i have the energy my cardio workout - 45 minutes

zero calories on fasting days and only tomato soup on soup days

update every 5 hours to keep on track and keep up with my attitude

this had better work or im going to seriously have to admit myself to a psych ward. any support is amazing guys.. i need someone to let me know i can do it. ive gone a week without food, i can definately do three days at a time....
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(no subject) [Dec. 7th, 2005|11:48 am]
so im fat again. i pretty much gained all the weight i lost back and am dangerously close to weighing my "never again" weight. im freaking out and at the same time half way ready to surrender. i woke up on the phone with my mom rambling and crying to her about how God didnt want me anymore and how i would never be happy because as quick as it comes it goes. she was going on about how im worth everything God made and how im special and that everything will be fine, satan is just trying to get me. The last thing i remember is telling her that satan had won and then i hung up. im not going home until im back down in weight. i cant face myself in the morning. im just glad its effin cold so i can wear lots of layers and blame looking fat on that.
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