||[Dec. 8th, 2005|03:16 pm]
ok so update:|
im hungry, its a good feeling. im glad i feel empty, but at the same time i feel like im too far gone- like im past the point where anything i do will help... seriously, do you ever feel like what good is starving now going to do me? i feel like any efforts i make will just end in defeat, but then at the same time i know i have to start somewhere right. i know that every little bit helps and the only way im defeated is if i give in and eat. if i dont eat ive won. i am mentally aware that i cant eat those peas and still feel like im where im supposed to be, but at the same time mentally i want to give into the fat and just say its going to happen eventually why not now... mentally im weak right now because i have this in the back of my head saying "be healthy and dont worry about your weight" but then EVERY other part of me is saying look at those thighs, are you kidding me? dont kid yourself and think you can eat anything and not be fat. im trying to stay on this fast today and im good so far. i ran six miles, did my lower body work out once and now im at a loss for something else to do. i want to workout again. i need to workout again and at the same time i want to sit and do nothing. i want to just be thin and not have to bust my butt every second of the day to feel accomplished. im watching americas next top model and i know for a fact they dont really sell the "stay skinny the healthy way" bit they are talking about right now. i dont want to be a model, i just want to be 100lbs... i want to not be afraid to take a shower or put on my clothes. thats what i want. why the hell is that so hard!
i studied, painted my nails, called some friends and now im going to clean up my room and maybe do some cardio. this sucks. its three freakin days, not that hard. im good. i can do this. really, what difference is it going to make if i dont eat my rice cake and 1/2cup of peas today? nothing. its not that hard. im not doing anything wrong. im just restricting myself like i should have been doing this last month when i let my mom win.